Your relationship with your adult children may change now that you have cancer. You may:

• Ask your adult children to take on new duties, such as making health care decisions, paying bills, or taking care of the house.
• Ask your children to explain some of the information you've received from your doctor or to go with you to doctor's visits so they can also hear what the doctors are telling you.
• Rely on your adult children for emotional support. For instance, you may ask them to act as "go-betweens" with friends or other family members.
• Want your adult children to spend a lot of time with you. This can be hard, especially if they have jobs or young families of their own.
• Find it hard to receive--rather than give--comfort and support from your children.
• Feel awkward when your children help with your physical care, such as feeding or bathing.

Talking With Your Adult Children

It is important to talk about cancer with your adult children, even if they get upset or worry about you. Include them when talking about your treatment. Let them know your thoughts and wishes, in case you do not recover from your cancer.

Even adult children worry that their parents will die. When they learn that you have cancer, adult children may realize how important you are to them. They may feel guilty if they haven't been close with you. They may feel bad if they cannot spend a lot of time with you because they live far away or have other duties. Some of these feelings may make it harder to talk to your adult children. If you have trouble talking with your adult children, ask your doctor or nurse to suggest a counselor you can all talk with.

Make the most of the time you have with your adult children. Talk about how much you mean to each other. Express all your feelings--not just love but also anxiety, sadness, and anger. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. It's better to share your feelings rather than hide them.

One who conceals grief finds no remedy for it. --Turkish Proverb

Cancer Risk for the Children of People Who Have Cancer

Now that you have cancer, your children may wonder about their chance of getting it as well. Suggest they talk with a doctor about their risk of getting cancer.

Gene tests can be a way to find out if a person is at higher risk of getting cancer. A higher risk for some types of cancer are passed from parent to child. For instance, the daughter of a woman with breast cancer may be at risk for getting the same disease. But chances are that her risk is no different than other women her age. If concerned, however, children should talk with a doctor about their risk of getting cancer.

Although some gene tests can be helpful, they do not always give people the kinds of answers they are seeking. Talk to your doctor if you or someone in your family wants to learn more about gene testing for cancer. He or she can refer you to a person who is specially trained in this area. These experts can help you think through your choices and answer your questions.